The Double Bind (From Living Free)

A Double Bind is when you have a decision to make and are stuck between a rock and a hard place. One side of the bind is the easier choice and involves going down the FASTER Scale and trusting your coping mechanisms. The other side of the bind, the harder choice, involves surrendering to God by dealing with the issues at hand and the underlying emotions or behaviors you are experiencing. Taking the harder choice of the Double Bind, involves a Spirit-filled step of faith, and allows you to get off of the FASTER Scale.

Example 1: I am in Anxiety on the FASTER Scale because I have been procrastinating with studying for the test I have next week. I’m really worried because if I don’t get an A on the test, I won’t get an A in the class. I’ve been taking the easier choice: I have been procrastinating so much that I went from Forgetting Priorities to now being pretty fearful and in Anxiety. The harder choice probably involves the following: plan out when I will study each day and ask a friend to encourage me and hold me accountable so I don’t procrastinate, and identify and address my fears of getting a bad grade with the truth of who I am in Christ (am I fearing feeling like a failure, feeling rejected by my parents or friends if I don’t get straight A’s, or something else?). Rather than living in fear, I can take these steps of faith in the power of the Holy Spirit and trust God with the tasks He has called me to do. If I don’t deal with this now, I’ll continue to go down the FASTER Scale and eventually relapse.

Example 2: I’m Ticked Off on the FASTER Scale because my friend and I got into an argument. I took the easier choice here by going down the FASTER Scale and getting Ticked Off. Now, I have to take the harder choice, which is to address the fear behind my anger (normally a fear of rejection) and not being heard by my friend with the truth of who I am in Christ. I can ask God’s forgiveness for my anger and I can dwell on past experiences of God’s love and provision for me to help me believe the truth. I could also make a phone call to process my emotions. This is how I can take the harder choice of the Double Bind and get off the FASTER Scale.

As Michael Dye puts it, “Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t”

Originally Posted at: https://www.christfellowship.church/how-do-i-fast

GROUP GUIDELINES

The group guidelines should be observed by all Restored Warriors groups.

CONFIDENTIALITY What is said in a group is presented in trust and confidence. It should be given the utmost consideration and privacy and never shared outside the group. Even with spouses, information about another group member’s story should not be shared without that person’s consent. In order to protect confidentiality, the group is not open to guests or visitors. Anyone who is considering joining the group after it has launched needs to go directly to the group leader.

RESPECT OTHERS Self-Focus, Listen Respectfully, Limit Sharing, and Respect Others Speak only for yourself, avoid giving advice, and allow others the time to formulate their answers and come to their conclusion. Do not contribute to side conversations and give everyone an opportunity to share.

COMMITMENT TO ACCOUNTABILITY Regular Attendance, Take Ownership, and Be Responsible Make attending group a priority and let your leader or co-leader know if you cannot attend a meeting. Contact a group member three times each week and contact a group member daily if you experience relapse. If you feel uncomfortable at any time with something being done in the group, talk with your leader or group. Group leaders also are accountable to Restored Warriors. It is important for group leaders to submit to the leadership of Restored Warriors; adhering to all leadership policies and requirements set forth by Restored Warriors. Leaders should also be meeting with the leadership of Restored Warriors at least once a week to report the successes and challenges groups are seeing.

COMPLETE HOMEWORK Complete Homework and Stay On Subject Homework facilitates the journey to healing. Allow 20-30 minutes each day to complete your homework. Every group member that completes the homework has the opportunity to participate in sharing and making a contribution to the group. The homework needs to be done in writing, and includes the assignment for that week, FASTER Scale, Group Check-In, and Commitment to Change.

COVENANT TO CONTEND Make a commitment of accountability stating your commitment to the process of your healing. This is a public commitment that is witnessed by the entire group. Sign Here!

MEMO OF UNDERSTANDING It is important to understand the purpose and parameters of Restored Warriors groups and the moral and ethical obligations of group leaders outlined in the Memo of Understanding. This document must be signed before an individual joins the group. We Make No Exceptions! Sign Here!

The Daily Check In is simply a process of answering questions to be able to chart your progress in your healing and recovery.

It is key to remind yourself that sexual addiction has the same root issues, but leads to different expressions. Only 2 to 3 percent of individuals struggling with same-sex attraction are battling with a gender identity disorder. The vast majority are wrestling with past trauma, which is reflected in their arousal template. You should focus on the root and causes, not on the sexual behaviors. Someone struggling with same-sex attraction doesn’t need to be pressured to announce his struggle up front. Give him time to develop trust in you and the group, and the issue will reveal itself as part of sharing the homework. The group leader should be informed and meet with the individual to determine if anything or anyone in the group is a trigger for him. Then, create circumstances, if possible, that make the group a safe place for all group members. Professional counseling may also be necessary to supplement their journey and help them face issues of woundedness or shame.

If it is at all possible to have them in separate groups, that would be best. Even when family members have a positive relationship, they often fail to realize how deep and honest the sharing will be in group. In almost all family relationships, one or the other will feel pressure to not share certain things or to perform well for the other. Either situation is dangerous and can inhibit healing. If no other groups are available and both family members fully understand the challenges they will face in being in the same group, it may be considered. In this case, It is good for the leader to check in with each individual to see how the arrangement is working. If both family members have already been through a Restored Warriors group, thus knowing what to expect, and are still okay with being in the same group, this situation is more acceptable.

A Fellow Brother of Restored Warriors has written this and he wanted to share it with everyone, So I’m posting it for you to read!

I’m Challenging YOU to Read This DAILY for the Next 30 days… Read It OUT LOUD!! Let’s see what God does in YOUR Life!!

I am who my Father says I am. He is who He says He is. I am loved. I am accepted. I am in the beloved. My Father is for me and not against me, He is with me and He is in me. He is working miracles on my behalf. I am in His divine rhythm, timing and perfect will. I have His divine favor. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. 

Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world. I have all things that pertain to life and godliness through the knowledge of Him. I am the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. I have my Fathers vision for my life. I have the mind of Christ. I am convicted by Holy Spirit and I walk in all obedience. 

I have wisdom, knowledge and all understanding. I have good fruits. I am successful in all things. I am a great husband and a great father. I am a great friend and a great worker. I am a great leader. I am a great learner. I am Spirit led, Spirit filled and Spirit empowered. I am providing for my family by the grace and strength of God. I am joyful in all things.

I am full of faith. I am thriving as a Kingdom leader with tremendous influence and success. I am an anointed King and Priest in the earth. I am a world changer. I am chosen, equipped, commissioned, anointed and appointed by the King. I am healthy, healed and whole. I am saved and set free from the bondage of sin. I am made right with God, right with my wife and right with all my relationships. I am a great servant and a great son. I am great Steward of my time and possessions. 

I am disciplined in my Spirit, soul and body. I have purpose and impact. I am creative, blessed and in tune in hearing my Fathers voice. I am humbled and therefore will be exalted. I am rich beyond measure. I am strong, fast, smart and wise. I Am a Mighty Warrior. I am full of courage. I have what it takes. And This is my best year yet.”

AMEN!!!

Thank you Brother!!!

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WHO I AM IN CHRIST THE WORD OF GOD SAYS:

1. I am God’s child for I am born again of the incorruptible seed of the Word of God that lives and abides forever. (1 Peter 1:23)
2. I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the blood. (Ephesians 1:7; Hebrews 9:14; Colossians 1:14;1 John 2:12; 1 John 1:9)
3. I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
4. I am a temple where the Holy Spirit lives. (1 Corinthians 6:19)
5. I am delivered from the power of darkness; Christ brings me into God’s kingdom. (Colossians 1:13)
6. I am redeemed from the curse of the law. (1 Peter 1:18-19)
7. I am holy and without blame before God. (Ephesians 1:4)
8. I am established to the end. (1 Corinthians 1:8)
9. I have been brought closer to God through the blood of Christ. (Ephesians 2:13)
10. I am victorious. (Revelation 21:7)
11. I am set free. (John 8:31-32)
12. I am strong in the Lord. (Ephesians 6:10)
13. I am dead to sin. (Romans 6:2 & 11; 1 Peter 2:24)
14. I am more than a conqueror. (Romans 8:37)
15. I am a co-heir with Christ. (Romans 8: 16-17)
16. I am sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise. (Ephesians 1:13)
17. I am in Christ Jesus by his doing. (1 Corinthians 1:30)
18. I am accepted in Jesus Christ. (Ephesians 1:5-6)
19. I am complete in Him. (Colossians 2:10)
20. In am crucified with Christ. (Galatians 2:20)
21. I am alive with Christ. (Ephesians 2:4-5)
22. I am free from condemnation. (Romans 8:1)
23. I am reconciled to God. (2 Corinthians 5:18)
24. I am qualified to share in his inheritance. (Colossians 1:12)
25. I am firmly rooted, established in my faith and overflowing with gratefulness and thankfulness (Colossians 2:7)
26. I am called of God. (2 Timothy 1:9)
27. I am chosen. (1 Thessalonians 1:4; Ephesians 1:4; 1 Peter 2:9)
28. I am an ambassador of Christ. (2 Corinthians 5:20)
29. I am God’s workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works. (Ephesians 2:10)
30. I am the apple of my Father’s eye. (Deuteronomy 32:10; Psalm 17:8)
31. I am healed by the stripes of Jesus. (1 Peter 2:24; Isaiah 53:6)
32. I am being changed into his image. (2 Corinthians 3:18; Philippians 1:6)
33. I am raised up with Christ and am seated in heavenly places. (Ephesians 2:6)
34. I am beloved of God. (Colossians 3:12; Romans 1:7; 1 Thessalonians 1:4)
35. I have the mind of Christ. (Philippians 2:5; 1 Corinthians 2:16)
36. I have obtained an inheritance. (Ephesians 1:11)
37. I have access by one Spirit to the Father. (Ephesians 2:18)
38. I have overcome the world. (1 John 5:4)
39. I have everlasting life and will not be condemned. (John 5:24; John 6:47)
40. I have the peace of God that transcends all understanding. (Philippians 4:7)
41. I have received power- the power of the Holy Spirit; power to lay hands on the sick and see them recover; power to cast out demons; power over all the power of the enemy; nothing shall by any means hurt me. (Mark 16:17-18; Luke 10:17-19)
42. I live by and in the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:2)
43. I walk in Christ Jesus. (Colossians 2:6)
44. I can do all things (everything) in and through Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:13)
45. We shall do even greater things than Jesus did. (John 14:12)
46. I possess the Great One in me because greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4)
47. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God. (Philippians 3:14)
48. I always triumph in Christ. (2 Corinthians 2:14)
49. My life shows forth his praise. (1 Peter 2:9)
50. My life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:3)

Dr. Ted Roberts.  Living Life Boldly Study Guide. (Gresham, OR: East Hill Church, 2005) 75-76

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Let me see if I can explain the difference between a reflection week and a normal week.

What a reflection week IS NOT… A week off. If anything, it is a harder week than a normal week.

What a reflection week is and how it’s used:

A reflection week is a week to reflect on the Pillar that you just went over. It is a time to look back and see the entire process that is taught in 4 different lessons. You can put the entire pillar together. It is also a week where if you were absent for a week, you can catch up on a reflection week. If the group or individual didn’t get to answer or give their answers for a particular pillar, this is when you do it.

During your Scripture reading, select a verse(s) to focus on as you step through the SWORD Drill. Using this guided process will help you get the most out of your time with God and experience His Word in a way that changes your heart and renews your mind.

SCRIPTURE Which verse or verses stood out to you in your Bible reading? Write it/them below.

WAIT Take a few moments now to wait on the Holy Spirit. Put aside any thoughts and worries of the day. Meditate on the Scripture. Read the verse(s) above aloud, slowly and attentively. Then pause to let it sink in. Let the Holy Spirit speak to you.

OBSERVE What did you notice about the verse(s) from above? Was there something that the Holy Spirit spoke to you? Write your observation below.

REQUEST Ask God to show you where and how the Scripture and observation apply to your life. Write the application below.

DEDICATE YOURSELF Looking at how the Scripture applies to you, what is one thing that needs to change? Remember, this is not necessarily about something you need to do (or stop doing). Perhaps the change is in the way you see yourself or others.

The disclosure process is a very important, but challenging aspect of recovery. Disclosure is defined as a full, fact-based reporting of the addict’s sexual history and is usually recommended after six months of sobriety have been established.(1)  When possible, disclosure should be done with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) or Pastoral Sex Addiction Professional Supervisor (PSAP-S). Many couples, however, will walk through disclosure as part of their group experience. Please refer to pages 198-203 in Seven Pillars of Freedom.

Although the full disclosure process happens after sobriety has been established, it is critical to recovery that the addict learns to be transparent while working toward sobriety. Relapse(s) that occurs during the recovery process should be disclosed to group members and the spouse. Immediately after relapse occurs, your Recovery Action Plan (Addict) should be implemented. Breaking free from an addiction requires a person to live an honest lifestyle, break isolation, relate behaviors to consequences, and give the people who they have hurt the respect and dignity to make informed choices. Your spouse will have their own Recovery Action Plan (Spouse). If you are working on your recovery but still keeping secrets, then shame will keep you stuck. Being honest and using your recovery tools with your spouse will move you toward true freedom.

The following is an outline of important steps for both the addict and betrayed spouse to take leading up to, during, and after disclosure has occurred.

STEPS FOR THE ADDICTED SPOUSE

Write out a full sexual history. The following list from Seven Pillars of Freedom provides this guidance:

• Include the time frame when referring to each incident where you acted out and how many times incidents happened during that time frame.
• Include sex acts that don’t involve a physical act, such as flirting or planning to act out.
• Include financial information.
• Include health issues or health risks such as exposure to STDs.
• Acknowledge if there is someone else who the spouse may know or run into.
• Refer to the spouse in the second person (I betrayed YOU when…).
• Stick with information sharing; do not justify any of your addictive behavior.

Before sharing with the spouse, share this written disclosure with your group leader or another trusted advisor familiar and experienced with the disclosure process.

Both the addicted and the betrayed spouse should work together to find a time for disclosure that is conducive to an honest conversation with appropriate time following the disclosure to process it emotionally.

STEPS FOR THE BETRAYED SPOUSE

Write out questions that are needed to establish truth, understanding, and forward motion in recovery.

Keep in mind that restoration and healing, not curiosity, should be the driving force behind the questions. Examples of commonly asked questions are:

• In what ways have you lied about or hidden behaviors from me?
• What are the addictive behaviors you are/were involved with?
• What are the time frames of these behaviors?
  • What was the frequency and duration?
• Has your behavior involved another person/people?
  • How many other partners were there?
  • What were the places and locations of these encounters?
  • Do I know any of the people you were sexually involved with?
  • Have you cut off all contact with anyone you have acted out with?
  • Has any of your sexual acting out included same-sex relationships or behaviors?

Share these questions with the addicted spouse before the disclosure, so they have time to formulate honest, thorough answers. These may be shared through the group leader or trusted advisor.

If you’re not already in a Betrayal & Beyond or Hope for Men group, join one for support and empathy.

Share questions with your group leader or another trusted advisor familiar with the disclosure process.

This advisor might suggest omitting certain questions to help the spouse avoid questions that are overly detailed or hold more potential for pain than healing.

Determine whether or not to include a friend, group leader, or trusted advisor in the disclosure meeting for personal support and wisdom. Including outside people in the disclosure process should always be at the choosing and comfort level of the betrayed spouse.

STEPS FOR THE GROUP LEADER OR TRUSTED ADVISOR

• Encourage both spouses to be in a Pure Desire group before disclosure. (They will need the support of group members in this process.)
• Remember to be an advocate for the marriage and not for only one spouse
•  Review the written disclosure to make sure it is complete and honest.
•  Review the written questions from the spouse.
•  Find a private place to meet with the couple.
• Determine if the couple wants advocates to also be present. Some couples may want their group leader/advisor also present, while others prefer a smaller meeting. It is essential that both spouses feel supported and not ganged up on. In cases of forced or immediate disclosure, support persons for both spouses is encouraged.
• Work with the couple to determine what kind of follow-up care needs to be in place for the addicted spouse to process; arranged child-care for the day, a safe place to grieve, or driving in separate cars to the meeting may be necessary.
• The addict reads their full disclosure.
• The spouse asks questions that were previously written.
  • If something completely unexpected is disclosed that the spouse doesn’t have questions written out for but wants to ask questions about, stop the meeting. The spouse needs additional time to process the new information disclosed and to write out questions. The spouse should write out new questions that are necessary for recovery. If needed, schedule another meeting to give the spouse a chance to ask his or her new questions.
• The spouse asks any clarifying questions of the information received during the full disclosure.
• Clarify before leaving what next steps are needed for the addicted spouse to continue healing and recovery and what steps are needed for the betrayed spouse to find hope and support.
• If significant issues surface that are beyond the skill and experience of the person facilitating the disclosure, refer the couple to Pure Desire or another CSAT for counseling.

Find more examples and steps in the Seven Pillars of Freedom Leader’s Guide and Betrayal & Beyond Leader’s Guide.

In certain cases, an immediate disclosure is necessary. Such cases include when a spouse has been caught in the act, when illegal activity has occurred, when sexual activity involves other people and potential STDs, or when the betrayed spouse feels unable to move forward in spite of other support in place (Restored Warriors group).

Research conducted by Dr. Patrick Carnes reveals common characteristics among people who struggle with unwanted sexual behaviors. (1)

Catalytic Environment Catalytic Stress leads to Sexual Addiction

Sexual Addiction

• Compulsive Behavior 94%
• Loss of Control 93%
• Efforts to Stop 88%
• Loss of Time 94%
• Preoccupation 77%
• Inability to Fulfill Obligations 87%
• Continuation Despite Consequences 85%
• Escalation 74%
• Social, Occupational, Recreational Losses 87%
• Withdrawal 98%

Sexual Addiction leads to Sexual Behavior

Sexual Behavior

• Fantasy 18%
• Voyeurism 18%
• Exhibitionism 15%
• Seductive Role Sex 21%
• Intrusive Sex 18%
• Anonymous Sex 18%
• Trading Sex 12%
• Paying for Sex 15%
• Pain Exchange 16%
• Exploitive Sex 13%

Sexual Behavior leads to Other Addictions

Other Addictions

• Chemical Dependency 42%
• Eating Disorders 38%
• Compulsive Working 28%
• Compulsive Spending 26%
• Compulsive Gambling 5%

Other Addictions leads to Addiction Interaction

Addiction Interaction

• Cross Tolerance 61%
• Withdrawal Mediation 56%
• Replacement 43%
• Alternating Addiction Cycles 41%
• Masking 45%
• Ritualizing 41%
• Intensification 61%
• Numbing 54%
• Disinhibiting 42%
• Combining 46%

Addiction Interaction leads to Family

Family

• Addicts in Family 87%
• Rigid Family System 77%
• Disengaged Family System 87%
• Rigid/Disengaged Family System 67%

Family leads to Abuse/Early Trauma

Abuse/Early Trauma

• Emotional 97%
• Sexual 81%
• Physical 72%

Abuse/Early Trauma leads to 8 Trauma Factors

8 Trauma Factors

• Reaction 64%
• Pleasure 64%
• Blocking 6%
• Splitting 76%
• Abstinence 45%
• Shame 72%
• Repetition 69%
• Bonding 69%

8 Trauma Factors leads back to Sexual Addiction

(1) Carnes, P. (2004). The Making of a Sex Addict.  Revised and updated version of “The Obsessive Shadow” (1998).  IITAP.  Retrieved from https://cdn.ymaws.com/iitap.com/resources/resmgr/arie_files/ml_article_the-making-of-a-s.pdf

I want to share with you a parable.  It’s about a prince and a dragon.  I use the word “dragon” very purposefully.  First, it is a biblical description of our spiritual adversary, but it’s also a way of helping us understand how we find ourselves in such a mess, and how to get out of it.

There was once a great and noble king whose land was terrorized by a crafty dragon. Like a massive bird of prey, the scaly beast delighted in ravaging villages with his fiery breath. Hapless victims ran from their burning homes, only to be snatched into the dragon’s jaws or talons. Those devoured instantly were deemed more fortunate than those carried back to the dragon’s lair to be devoured at his leisure. The king led his sons and knights in many valiant battles against the serpent.

Riding alone in the forest, one of the king’s sons heard his name purred low and soft. In the shadows of the ferns and trees, curled among the boulders, lay the dragon. The creature’s heavy-lidded eyes fastened on the prince, and the reptilian mouth stretched into a friendly smile.

“Don’t be alarmed,” said the dragon, as gray wisps of smoke rose lazily from his nostrils. “I am not what your father thinks.”

“What are you, then?” asked the prince, warily drawing his sword as he pulled in the reins to keep his fearful horse from bolting.

“I am pleasure,” said the dragon. “Ride on my back and you will experience more than you ever imagined. Come now. I have no harmful intentions. I seek a friend, someone to share flights with me. Have you never dreamed of flying? Never longed to soar in the clouds?”

Visions of soaring high above the forested hills drew the prince hesitantly from his horse. The dragon unfurled one great webbed wing to serve as a ramp to his ridged back. Between the spiny projections, the prince found a secure seat. Then the creature snapped his powerful wings twice and launched them into the sky. The prince’s apprehension melted into awe and exhilaration.

From then on, he met the dragon often, but secretly, for how could he tell his father, brothers or the knights that he had befriended the enemy? The prince felt separate from them all. Their concerns were no longer his concerns. Even when he wasn’t with the dragon, he spent less time with those he loved and more time alone.

Over time, the skin on the prince’s legs became calloused from gripping the ridged back of the dragon, and his hands grew rough and hardened. He began wearing gloves to hide the malady. After many nights of riding, he discovered scales growing on the backs of his hands as well. With dread he realized his fate were he to continue, and so he resolved to return no more to the dragon.

But, after a fortnight, he again sought out the dragon, having been tortured with desire. And so it transpired many times over. No matter what his determination, the prince eventually found himself pulled back, as if by the cords of an invisible web. Silently, patiently, the dragon always waited.

One cold, moonless night their excursion became a foray against a sleeping village. Torching the thatched roofs with fiery blasts from his nostrils, the dragon roared with delight when the terrified victims fled from their burning homes. Swooping in, the serpent belched again and flames engulfed a cluster of screaming villagers. The prince closed his eyes tightly in an attempt to shut out the carnage.

In the predawn hours, when the prince crept back from his dragon trysts, the road outside his father’s castle usually remained empty. But not tonight. Terrified refugees streamed into the protective walls of the castle. The prince attempted to slip through the crowd to close himself in his chambers, but some of the survivors stared and pointed toward him.

“He was there,” one woman cried out, “I saw him on the back of the dragon.” Others nodded their heads in angry agreement. Horrified, the prince saw that his father, the king, was in the courtyard holding a bleeding child in his arms. The king’s face mirrored the agony of his people as his eyes found the prince’s. The son fled, hoping to escape into the night, but the guards apprehended him as if he were a common thief. They brought him to the great hall where his father sat solemnly on the throne. The people on every side railed against the prince.

“Banish him!” he heard one of his own brothers angrily cry out.

“Burn him alive!” other voices shouted.

As the king rose from his throne, bloodstains from the wounded shone darkly on his royal robes. The crowd fell silent in expectation of his decree. The prince, who could not bear to look into his father’s face, stared at the flagstones of the floor.

“Take off your gloves and your tunic,” the king commanded. The prince obeyed slowly, dreading to have his metamorphosis uncovered before the kingdom. Was his shame not already great enough? He had hoped for a quick death without further humiliation.

Sounds of revulsion rippled through the crowd at the sight of the prince’s thick, scaled skin and the ridge growing along his spine.

The king strode toward his son, and the prince steeled himself, fully expecting a back-handed blow, even though he had never been struck so by his father.

Instead, his father embraced him and wept as he held him tightly. In shocked disbelief, the prince buried his face against his father’s shoulder.

“Do you wish to be freed from the dragon, my son?”

The prince answered in despair, “I wished it many times, but there is no hope for me.”

“Not alone,” said the king. “You cannot win against the serpent alone.”

“Father,” sobbed the prince, “I am no longer your son. I am half beast.”

But his father replied, “My blood runs in your veins. My nobility has always been stamped deep within your soul.”

With his face still hidden tearfully in his father’s embrace, the prince heard the king instruct the crowd, “The dragon is crafty. Some fall victim to his wiles and some to his violence. There will be mercy for all who wish to be freed. Who else among you has ridden the dragon?”

The prince lifted his head to see someone emerge from the crowd. To his amazement, he recognized an older brother, one who had been lauded throughout the kingdom for his onslaughts against the dragon in battle and for his many good deeds. Others came, some weeping, others hanging their heads in shame. The king embraced them all.

“This is our most powerful weapon against the dragon,” he announced. “Truth. No more hidden flights. Alone we cannot resist him.”

Melinda Reinicke, Parables for Personal Growth (San Diego, CA: Recovery Publications, Inc., 1993), pp. 5-9.

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If anyone is threatening harm to himself, the group leader should be alerted immediately. Restored Warriors Ministries also recommends the following action be taken:

• Always take the threat of self-harm seriously.

• Engage in conversation with the individual and, to the best of your ability, determine the level of threat and if individual has a plan for self-harm.

• Contact law enforcement if harm is imminent.

• Do not leave the individual unattended.

• If possible, transport the individual to a medical center for evaluation.

• Support the individual in seeking and receiving professional treatment regarding suicidal ideation.

In this case, determine are these three essential tools are in place:

• Relapse Prevention Tool: The three circles define relapse behaviors, what guardrails are, and your commitments to healthy behaviors. This plan should be in writing and shared with your spouse (if applicable) or group.

• Safety Plan (or Relapse Response Tool): This tool defines what specific steps you will need to take after a relapse. This involves both logical consequences and predetermined action steps. If you are married, your spouse will also have some steps they may need to take. Couples have found that when they have a complete and consistent Safety Plan in place, the less likely they are to actually need it.

• Escape Plan: This tool gives specific, concrete steps that need to be taken when you are triggered and sense a relapse might be imminent. These action steps help you break out of their addictive cycle. If any of these three tools are not in place, and in writing, you need to identify what is lacking. These three “legs” become the foundation of a winning plan. Two other tools that should be used are: “Addictive Hot Spots” and “Crash Site Analysis.” If all three of these tools are in place and proving ineffective, you need to contact the Restored Warriors administration for additional therapy sessions.

A wife will often need to talk to someone else about the group, such as a woman who has experienced the same thoughts and feelings. She may not believe her husband. She may not truly feel she needs to be in a group. She may be an enabler, codependent, or struggling with her own addiction issues. All of these issues could make her hesitant to join a group. Often, a wife’s trauma profile is all about pain avoidance. One idea is to send her a letter written by another wife—to the wives of all the new guys in a group— telling a bit of her story and explaining what the group did for her. Often, a wife says she doesn’t want to join a group because this is “his problem.” But she misses out on how his problem interfaces with her needs and hurts as a woman. If she will step into the group process, it will change her life, too, and make the marriage better. Having this vision cast by another woman is crucial.

Pure Desire’s Stories for Women, Peace Beyond the Tears, and Sexual Integrity 101 may help her see and believe that it would be beneficial to the entire family if she participated in the healing process too.

Sexual Integrity 101 is meant to be an introduction to sexual addiction groups and recovery. The best next step is to get connected to the an appropriate group for long-term change and freedom. Groups will have an extra week at the end of group for everyone to celebrate what they have learned and to hear about the next groups offered.

• Seven Pillars of Freedom: For men with sex/pornography addiction issues

• Living Free: For college-aged single men with sex/pornography addiction issues (Coming Soon)

• Top Gun: For teenage boys who struggle or want to learn how to resist sexual temptation (Coming Soon)

• Hope for Men: For men who have been hurt by a wife’s addiction (Coming Soon)

• The Genesis Process: For men who want to work on changing any other troubling behavior. (Coming Soon)

Homework completion and attendance are part of the Group Guidelines for every group and phone calls are part of the Group Guidelines for every addiction recovery group. If someone is not honoring these commitments, they are violating the ground rules for a healthy group and it needs to be addressed.

• Group leaders must also enforce a practice that if homework is not completed, the individual cannot share for that portion of the meeting. When one of these issues first begins to surface, it is good to take the whole group back to the Group Guidelines and remind them about why each one is a necessity.
• If the situation occurs again with the same person, the group leader needs to pull them aside privately and find out what is happening in their life that is preventing them from following the Group Guidelines. They should ask the individual to follow the Group Guidelines, expressing that if the Group Guidelines continue to be ignored, he or she will need to take a break from the group.
• If this conversation doesn’t lead to change, the group leader needs to ask the individual to step out of the group for a minimum of one month. After this time, the group leader can meet with the individual and find out if they are ready to commit to the Group Guidelines.

Many group members will find that they need to go through the group experience at least twice. The first time through, many group members are in the midst of crisis and damage control. The second time through, the material will help them learn and grow more. Until someone is at the one-year mark of maintaining sobriety (no relapses), they need to continue with a weekly group. For those who are experiencing a track record of sobriety, they can and should consider leading or co-leading a group in order to help others. “Paying it forward” in this way not only helps replicate groups, but also provides a new level of learning and understanding as a leader. The Genesis Process is a secondary group for those who have completed the Seven Pillars of Freedom or other Restored Warriors group. The Genesis Process builds on many of the same principles, but approaches change from a different angle that supplements and strengthens what group participants are learning and putting into practice.

F.A.S.T.E.R. RELAPSE AWARENESS SCALE

Adapted From The Genesis Process by Michael Dye

RESTORATION (Accepting life on God’s terms, with trust, vulnerability, and gratitude.)

• No current secrets
• Working to resolve problems, identifying fears/feelings
• Keeping commitments to meetings, prayer, family, church, people, goals, and self
• Being open and honest, making eye contact
• Reaching out to others
• Increasing in relationships with God and others
• True accountability

FORGETTING PRIORITIES (Start believing the present circumstances and start moving away from trusting God. Denial, flight, a change in what’s important, how you spend your time and what you think about.)

• Secrets
• Less time/energy for God, meetings, church
• Avoiding support and accountability people
• Superficial conversations
• Sarcasm
• Isolating
• Changes in goals
• Obsessed with relationships
• Breaking promises and commitments
• Neglecting family
• Preoccupation with material things: TV, computers, other entertainment
• Procrastination
• Lying
• Over-confidence
• Bored
• Hiding money

Forgetting Priorities will lead to: ANXIETY (A growing background noise of undefined fear; getting energy from emotions.)

• Worry, using profanity, being fearful
• Being resentful
• Replaying old negative thoughts
• Perfectionism
• Judging other’s motives
• Making unrealistic goals and to-do lists
• Mind-reading
• Fantasy, co-dependent rescuing
• Sleep problems, trouble concentrating, seeking drama
• Gossip
• Using OTC medication for pain/sleep/weight control
• Flirting

Anxiety then leads to: SPEEDING UP (Trying to outrun the anxiety, which is usually the first sign of depression.)

• Super busy and always in a hurry (finding good reason to justify the busyness), workaholic, can’t relax
• Avoiding slowing down
• Feeling driven
• Can’t turn off thoughts
• Skipping meals
• Binge eating (usually at night)
• Overspending
• Can’t identify own feelings/needs
• Repetitive negative thoughts
• Irritable
• Dramatic mood swings
• Too much caffeine
• Over-exercising
• Nervousness
• Difficulty being alone &/or with people
• Difficulty listening to others
• Making excuses for having to “do it all”.

Speeding Up then leads to: TICKED OFF (Getting adrenaline high from anger and aggression.)

• Procrastination causing crisis in money, work, relationships
• Increasing sarcasm
• Black and white (all or nothing) thinking
• Feeling alone
• Nobody understands
• Overreacting, road rage
• Constant resentments
• Pushing others away
• Increasing isolation
• Blaming
• Arguing
• Irrational thinking
• Can’t take criticism
• Defensive
• People avoiding you
• Needing to be right
• Digestive problems
• Headaches
• Obsessive (stuck) thoughts
• Can’t forgive
• Feeling superior
• Using intimidation

Ticked Off then leads to: EXHAUSTED (Loss of physical and emotional energy; coming off the adrenaline high, onset of depression.)

• Depressed
• Panicked
• Confused
• Hopelessness
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Can’t cope
• Overwhelmed
• Crying for “no reason”
• Can’t think
• Forgetful
• Pessimistic
• Helpless
• Tired
• Numb
• Wanting to run
• Constant cravings for old coping behaviors
• Thinking of using sex, drugs, or alcohol
• Seeking old unhealthy people & places
• Really isolating
• People angry with you
• Self abuse
• Suicidal thoughts
• Spontaneous crying
• No goals
• Survival mode
• Not returning phone calls
• Missing work
• Irritability
• No appetite

Exhausted then leads to: RELAPSE (Returning to the place you swore you would never go again.)

• Giving up and giving in
• Out of control
• Lost in your addiction
• Lying to yourself and others
• Feeling you just can’t manage without your coping behaviors, at least for now
• Result is reinforcement of shame, guilt, and condemnation, and feelings of abandonment and being alone.

The spouse can often see the level of growth and freedom more accurately than the recovering addict, and their doubts or concerns need to be taken seriously. Anyone leading a group without the spouse’s full support is in a very unstable position. If the spouse is also pursuing their own health, they are accurate in their perception more often than not. If possible, meet as a couple together with a Restored Warriors leader in order to hear the your spouse’s concerns. If the spouse’s issues are more fear-based, we will help construct a plan for you as a new group leader that will sustain your own personal growth. If your spouse’s issues are legitimate concerns about ongoing actions and behaviors in the marriage, you should hold off on making the decision to be a group leader. If you as a couple have not been through counseling, this would be recommended.

When an addict first confesses, his or her motive is usually more about making themselves feel better and less about being completely honest. Most all forced or spontaneous confessions will only reveal some truth. An addict is so accustomed to deception and minimizing the facts that they aren’t capable of telling the whole, honest truth. In this scenario, more truth comes out later. Staggered disclosure leads to greater pain and a prolonged recovery process.

In some cases, a full disclosure cannot wait. A forced disclosure occurs in the following circumstances:

• When a person is caught acting out by an important person in their life (e.g. their spouse, parent, child, or employer). Disclosure needs to occur around all the activities leading up to and involved in the behavior.

• When a person has been involved in illegal activity and the activity may become public. (A spouse needs to know what legal ramifications may be coming.)

• When an affair has been exposed. The spouse needs to know the truth around this circumstance in order to find safety.

• When a person is confronted with facts of his or her actions.

• When a person has contracted a sexually transmitted disease (STD).

A full disclosure happens when the addict has been in recovery for at least six months. This disclosure focuses on the full sexual history and is fact-based (not feelings or fantasy-based). The disclosure should be in writing and reviewed by a pastor, group leader, or Restored Warriors before being shared with a spouse. A description of full disclosure can be found in Pillar Seven of the Seven Pillars of Freedom Workbook.

The spouse of the addict also needs to be in a support group. They can get input from their group leader before disclosure. The spouse should write questions needed for healing and rebuilding trust. The spouse should have their leader or pastor, review the questions. Spouses should ask only the questions that were written prior to the disclosure. If something unexpected is revealed during disclosure and the spouse didn’t have predetermined questions regarding that circumstance, then the meeting should stop in order for the spouse to process and write out new questions. This area of disclosure should be revisited at a later time when the spouse has had time to process what he or she needs to know. Although the full disclosure process happens after sobriety has been established, it is critical to recovery that the addict learns to be transparent while working toward sobriety. Relapse(s) that occurs during the recovery process should be disclosed to group members and the spouse. Immediately after relapse occurs, your Recovery Action Plan (Addict) should be implemented. Breaking free from an addiction requires a person to live an honest lifestyle, break isolation, relate behaviors to consequences, and give the people whom they have hurt the respect and dignity to make informed choices. Your spouse will have their own Recovery Action Plan (Spouse). If you are working on your recovery, but are still keeping secrets, then shame will keep you stuck. Being honest and using your recovery tools with your spouse will move you toward true freedom.

First way is in your email.  You should have gotten an email from Restored Warriors with “Upcoming Event Reminder”.  In there it says “Attend Online”, click that will take you directly to your zoom meeting.

Second way is to install the Restored Warriors app.  From there you will have your groups added under “Groups” you can find a link there to join the meeting.

Lastly, contact your group leader to resend you the link.

The Daily Check In form is like taking your blood pressure or blood sugar or tempurature.  It shows you where you are in life. When you do your Daily Check In, you are not checking in with your group leader or a member of the administrative staff of Restored Warriors.  You are checking in with Yourself!  This is simply a way of looking at your day and seeing where you could have done better, or what you did that was a great help for your day.  We grow from our past, not our future.  Why is it when you look at your past, you can see what you did wrong.  Or what you need to improve to make it better.  Well the same is correct with our Daily Check In’s.  It is simply looking at your past, to be able to improve your future. Over time, you will be able to see results from your consistent Daily Check In’s.  You will be able to see a pattern that you will be able to change in the future.  There is a lot of information that is given when you do a Daily Check In, so that you will be able to see results for your future. Not doing a Daily Check In, is like being on a battlefield with no weapons, expecting to win… Wont’ happen!